Again. And. Again.
April 30th 2011, last day of April in 2011, the very first post from me in 2011.
The boys are growing up and ever are they so amazing and ever do I feel so inefficiently adequate for being their father.
My patience runs thin and my guilt runs deep, as so it seems to me.
I love them tremendously and only want what is best for them, or or is it expect only the best from them? Now that is a contradictory if I ever knew one.
I am and feel way too uptight and unhappy.
Why am I here? Why are we here? What is our purpose? Why do we develop relationships so that it would end painfully, either good or bad? I think especially the good relationships that has endured over time, it ends really painfully.
Spiritually speaking and logically according to God's wisdom, we are in the sixth day and working towards that rest, at least according to the book of Hebrews quoting from the Book of Psalms.
This world is evil, I know, to which why the Bible, the Word of God that is, unrefutable, and there really is a God.
As much as I crave wisdom and wish maybe I have a tenth or even just a tiny little bit of knowledge as King Solomon, as I realizes it more and more, futile. The letter from Paul points out in one of his letter to the Corinthians, "If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.". I am nothing. I am nothing if I have not loved, period. Is Paul's word holy from God? Yes.
So for all the days that I have known Christ, all the challenges that I have endured, all the sins that I have commited, and through all the grace, mercy and love I have received from God through the sacrifice of Jesus, this so call love, is my far the most challenging aspect of God's knowledge, not, gift.
Proof? Even Adam and Eve didn't understand it.
I love my boys and I love my wife, that I know from my heart that God had blessed me with. Yet time and time, I fall short and win against God by sinning against them.
I guess, or not guess, but think that this is what they refer to as mid-life crisis. Maybe.
A time in life that I feel that I have rendered all the services of life in the developing ages, and just realized that life is good, and it has an ending?
I may be pontificating.
Ou, yes, ou, a thought popped in my head. "The invalid at the pool"
A voice in my head said "Do you want to get well?" without delay, my response was: "but I have been here for 40 years and no one is helping me." as we all know what, the next dialog would be "Get up and walk!"
Am I sulking? Am I being lazy and have lost hope? Am I resentful? Am I like Noah or Job once was, and is angry?
Probably. After all, as they, I am only human. Which proves even more so that God is right, He is real, and so was Jesus.
Whatever it may be, I am sick and tired of it, that is for sure.
So with a resounding yes, yes, I am getting up, I want to be well, I will pick up my mat and walk.
To God be the Glory, amen!